A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
