I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
