saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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