I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
