I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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