I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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