i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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