life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
