i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
