i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
