Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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