I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
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