I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
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