Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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