Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
