Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
