The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my being single is dangerous.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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