ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
