Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
