WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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