I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
