Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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