shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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