You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
