im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Houston, we have a blender
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
