I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
