my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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