he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it's great music for shaving your balls
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
