Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You're like the curious george of whores
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
