the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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