just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
