I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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