She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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