16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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