I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
