Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
