took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
