Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
