Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
