You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
