Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
