no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
