Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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