Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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