I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
