We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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