He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
