i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
