I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
