Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
