I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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